Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
