i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
