I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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