I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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