so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He better not be in your backpack
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
