I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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