I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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