I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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