you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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