Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
