"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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