ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
