I hate your face
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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