omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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