cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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