I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
