we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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