The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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