If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
birth control should be required to get into college
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
