i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
