well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
