If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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