yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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