ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm too high and old for this...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
