sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
