Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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