My liver just broke up with me...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
