shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
