sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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