gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
