hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
