My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
