Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Floor bacon is actually really good
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
