so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
