my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
