I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
