he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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