i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
