Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
