I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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