It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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