I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have fence marks all over my body
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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