Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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