barbara walters just said penis...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
