I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
