my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
