woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I think my moral compass just broke
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