after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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