I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
