She is in my trunk
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
