My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
